Change is Good (Really!)

We all get comfortable in our routines, our marriages and relationships, our work, our health. We often fail to plan for change. Here is a brief article to help us be better prepared for the unexpected things in life, or those things we know may be coming, but we simply disregard them. See it here: Change is Good

What is Family?

"What is family? They were the people who claimed you. In good, in bad, in parts or in whole, they were the ones who showed up, who stayed in there, regardless. It wasn't just about blood relations or shared chromosomes, but something wider, bigger. We had many families over time. Our family of origin, the family we created, and the groups you moved through while all of this was happening: friends, lovers, sometimes even strangers. None of them perfect, and we couldn't expect them to be. You can't make any one person your world. The trick was to take what each could give you and build your world from it." ~ From the novel, Lock and Key by Sarah Dessen

Chose to live. Really live.

     On February 5, 1982, Steven Callahan was 800 miles west of the Canary Islands in his boat, the "Napoleon Solo."  
     In a matter of moments his boat was capsized and sinking in a fierce storm.  When the waters settled, Callahan, 30 years old at the time, was alone in a leaky raft.  With only a few resources at hand he collected rainwater for drinking and pieced together a crude spear for fishing.  He ate barnacles and now and then small birds he captured.  In order to keep his mind active he made notes of his experience.  He did yoga when he was able even though he was terribly weak.
     For seventy-six days he drifted in the ocean.  Then on April 21 he was discovered by the crew of a boat off the coast of Guadeloupe.  He is the only person to have survived alone more than a month at sea.
     He described his ordeal in his book, Seventy-six Days Lost at Sea.  
     Although an experienced seaman, Callahan says he survived because he made a choice.  He was determined to stay alive and to endure whatever was necessary in order to be rescued.  He chose to struggle.  He chose to not give up.  He chose to live however he could.
     We all face similar, if not as dramatic, choices every day.  They may have to do with our marriage or a relationship we are in.  They may be about a healthy lifestyle or the courage to start a new career.  They may be about friends or family or coworker conflicts.  They may be about dreams or hobbies or wishes unfulfilled.
     The choices we make ultimately decide the lives we live.  As the French philosopher Camus said, "Life is the sum of all your choices."
     Choose to live, really live.
© 2011 Timothy Moody

How to Unlock the Power of Bad Feelings

3 Steps to Unlock the Power of Bad Feelings

Can we be free of envy, jealousy and other emotions that make us feel crappy?

Published on June 17, 2011 by Nadja Geipert in Eye of the Storm

"My friend...care for your psyche...know thyself, for once we know ourselves, we may learn how to care for ourselves" -Socrates

In Laugh at your own Risk I said that we don't have to endure feelings of envy or jealousy and promised to discuss their origins and tips on how to resolve them. In researching this topic, I found it difficult to pin down generic roots for these toxic emotions except for our well-documented tendency to compare ourselves to others and its connection to low self-esteem. Whoever coined the phrase "to compare is to despair" should receive the brilliant common sense award.

And then it hit me.

There are no generic roots of envy or jealousy just as there are no generic roots of anger, sadness or any other negative emotions we'd rather not feel. They developed out of our particular story and to understand and resolve them, we have to look inward. By relentlessly pursuing them, we can extract information that will help us improve our lives. The first and most important step is to accept how you feel.

Thousands of books, seminars and advice columns are dedicated to promoting the idea that to find happiness, we have to fight bad feelings. I'm not the first to point out that this approach is futile. Years of research strongly suggest that emotions are adaptations that serve a fundamental purpose to our survival. We can't will them away anymore than the urge to eat or sleep. They inform us about what's good for us and what (or whom) we should steer clear of. And seriously, if we could will bad feelings away, wouldn't we all be doing it? And, wouldn't most modern maladies like addiction, depression, suicide, violence, and divorce simply disappear? Therapists would all be out of jobs, and yes, I realize that some people already think that this should be so.

Yet, the myth persists. It does for a simple but powerful reason: the truth hurts. Not only are negative feelings inherently painful, they also frequently communicate what we'd rather not know. They tell us that we don't feel loved or lovable, that our job is killing us, that we married the wrong person, that we feel alone and misunderstood, or that we didn't really want three children etc., etc. These emotional realities are hard to face and demand that we act or change. Human beings hate change. Even when it's change for the better.

So the worst part of sticking to the "fight and deny your feelings" strategy is that it leaves us in the dark. Even the pettiest reaction flickers to illuminate. By ignoring it, we deny the opportunity to learn more about ourselves. It's time to take off that don't worry be happy T-Shirt!

The second step is to verbalize what you are feeling, in the simplest terms possible. Ideally, you would do so in an empathic environment. It could be a friend, a support group, a family member, a spouse or a therapist. This is not easy to find. Most people (however loving or well-intended) have trouble tolerating someone else's pain (often because it triggers their own). Don't let anyone smother you with explanations, pep talk or some other really well-articulated diversion. Yes, maybe the person who hurt you didn't mean to. Maybe your feeling is childish or normal. Maybe this, maybe that. Who cares? It's your feeling and you're just trying to follow it down into your less conscious mind. So choose wisely and trust that what you feel means something. I have witnessed in hundreds of psychotherapy groups that even the most "off the wall" reaction is rooted in a coherent feeling.

The third step is to explore. Some good questions to ask yourself during this process: What do I need here or feel like I'm not getting? What is this person getting that I want (in case of envy)? What can I do to get it and who is (or was) denying it to me?

The answer is frequently very simple. Many discover that they need more (undivided!) attention. In any case, if you can pinpoint what it is for you, ask for it (very nicely) from someone who you know loves you and wants the best for you. I know this sounds scary, but many people respond to this kind of honesty and vulnerability with kindness. There is really only one way to find out.

This process should bring some relief, but it can also initially make the feeling stronger. Don't worry about it; no one has ever died from feeling something (but many have from trying to avoid it by using drugs etc.). You should start to have some spontaneous insights into where these feelings are coming from. It could be a memory or something in the present you really want but are not pursuing.

Use bad feelings for what they were created for: to tell you what you need but are not getting. A particularly insightful reader of my Charlie Sheen posts reminded me of the famous Thoreau quote that most men lead lives of quiet desperation. Refuse to be one of them!

© 2011 Nadia Geipert - From www.psychologytoday.com

15 Signs You May Have Adult ADHD - Health.com

You might, like me, struggle with some of the symptoms of adult Attention Deficit Disorder. This is a brief but helpful description of the struggles those with the disorder deal with on a daily basis. If you think you may have ADHD talk with your physician. There is help available and treatment might very well transform your life. See the article here: Health.com

Try These 7 Tricks for Instant Calm

Feeling overwhelmed? Ready to pull your hair out? Wound up by all of the nagging little irritations of the day? We all have times of stress: the repeated pressures of work; the endless responsibilities of parenting; the periodic strain of marriage or a relationship; and just the usual pace of life. Here are some easy ways to help provide quick relief from any or all of those stress producers. See the article here: Health.com

How to Live the Dream

We all want a healthy, productive, well balanced, fun, meaningful life. It doesn't come free. We have to do certain things to create a good life. Here are some simple tips to help you achieve some of the things you may be looking for in life. See the article here: Health.com

How Love Dies

"Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings." ~ Anais Nin, French/Cuban Novelist

What weaves the stories of our lives?

"Love, soul, and freedom: these three weave the stories of our lives.  The who, what, when, and where fill in the details and give variation to the plots, but the themes don't get more basic.
     Love is what we all want in life and what we look for first.  It's our passion for living, forming the sea in which our souls swim.  Like the sea, love nurtures and sustains us, but it also offers us somewhere to go with our lives.  Love creates the worlds that our souls explore.  Who and what we love channel our energies, drawing us to this person or that, down one path or another.  Led by our loves, we connect with the worlds around us.  We create places where we belong, where our souls are nourished with meaning and purpose, as well as where we relax, play, and have fun.  Through the intimacy of relationships, we come to know both others and ourselves in love's mirror.  Love brings our souls into focus.
     Soul is our guiding center, our touchstone for what feels right in life and what's ours to do.  Soul is our reason for coming here as well as our reason for staying.  Soul tells us about us--not as others want, expect, or imagine us to be, but as we are in our innermost being.  When we go to the depths of sorrow, confusion, or despair, it's our souls that take us there and see us through.  Or if we experience exhilarating joy, it's our souls that lift us up with a bigger-than-life knowing: 'So that's what it all means!'  Soul is our core, our essence, the ground of who we are, even if we're not at all sure who this soul of ours is or what he or she has in mind for us.
     Freedom gives our souls and loves air to breathe.  Like the air, freedom is a given, at least as far as our souls are concerned.  It's not granted by people, institutions, or governments, or else it'd be theirs to withhold.  Freedom is air to us, because it gives us the space we need to follow our souls and pursue our loves.  Without freedom, our souls suffocate.  With it, they take off; we create, experiment, fumble, and learn.  Freedom says that anything is possible and that it's our birthright to explore possibilities wherever our souls and loves take us.  Sometimes our souls take us down the path of losing everything--a terminal disease, divorce, bankruptcy, or scandal--to show us how free we are beyond externals.  With 'nothing to lose,' we abandon shoulds and oughts and go for our dreams.
     Love, soul, and freedom are natural companions, together creating the fire in the mind, heart, chest, belly, or wherever that makes us happy to get up in the morning.  United--love, soul, and freedom are the Force incarnate, guiding us and permeating our lives with meaning and purpose, even if their presence isn't evident until hindsight.  Love, soul, and freedom are inseparable, and on the deepest levels of our being, that's how we experience them.  When we're on vacation, for instance, we get a taste of these three living happily together: we surround ourselves with who and what we love, let down our hair, and do as we choose."

~ Denise Breton and Christopher Largent, Love, Soul, & Freedom: Dancing with Rumi on the Mystic Path

I've Learned That I Still Have A Lot to Learn

"I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow. I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights. I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you'll miss them when they're gone from your life. I've learned that making a "living" is not the same thing as making a "life." I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance. I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw something back. I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision. I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one. I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back. I've learned that I still have a lot to learn. I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel." ~ Maya Angelou, Author/Poet

Relationships you have attracted

"Whatever relationships you have attracted in your life at this moment, are precisely the ones you need in your life at this moment. There is a hidden meaning behind all events, and this hidden meaning is serving your own evolution." 
— Deepak Chopra

Wisdom About Love

"Sometimes the one who is running from the Life/Death/Life nature insists on thinking of love as a boon only. Yet love in its fullest form is a series of deaths and rebirths. We let go of one phase, one aspect of love, and enter another. Passion dies and is brought back. Pain is chased away and surfaces another time. To love means to embrace and at the same time to withstand many endings, and many many beginnings- all in the same relationship." 
— Clarissa Pinkola Estés (Women Who Run with the Wolves)